Nervous, Yet Hard Boiled (???)

I don't know if I can sustain this intense fervour and nervousness, like cerebral priapism. I feel turgid, alive and quietly mutating. Osmosis. When I spoke to MP the other day....well, I feel like it was a different person speaking to him. And perhaps I am DIFFERENT? I have often waited for the feeling of difference to be upon me, but have always been made sad by my unsurprising sameness. A kind of diligent sameness, as if difference would be beside the point, or losing the point, or not the point. I don't fucking know. I have a song in my head, the lyrics of which are "tonight I'm feeling like an animal..."

I survived the Return of the Matriarch. What a small matriarch she is too. Had dinner with AW, and was relieved to watch them talking about pregnancy (clearly a topic that is quite foreign to me!). There is that amazing sense of specialness when your mother talks about the time after you were born. It is time I can't control, or own in any way, and in a sense, I feel as if it is a power she has over my reality. It is ridiculous I know, and the world is (way too) rife with these feelings of ownership and discomfort. It is a feeling of disquiet though, of wanting to move away from her. Especially now. At one point during dinner I had to go to the toilet to tell her one of the craziest things I have ever heard. Thank god she is my sister. She is one of the most sensible people I know. Strange how just a few days of talking and thinking can make you believe you are someone else. Or at least that you FEEL like someone else.