"I would rather not go back to the old house..."

there's too many bad memories, too many memories..."

I am a drunk! There were 2 falls on Friday night, and so much stupidity....even me outside talking to the bouncer about his life, because after midnight, with too many drinks inside me, I was really interested. I slept in the bath accidentally. It was hot, so at about 3.30am I had a bath, and woke up at 8.30am, cramped and withered. I went to bed for a while but slept listlessly. My mother called at about 11.00am to tell me that her mother died. She sent ZP and my father a text message at 6.25am to tell them, but strangely not me. I was asleep in the bath, drunk, when the grandmother died. It seems pathetic and funny. I have decided that I can no longer drink excessively, as it disgusts and scares me. My father told me that at the time when my grandmother wrote off their car (in 1975, just after I was born), when she was staying with my parents, my mother found bottles of beer in a drawer beside her bed. ZP and I found this hilarious, particularly because she would have intended for my mother to find them. Desperate people. I don't think I can even talk about my mother's desperation at the moment. It repulses me.

Is it strange that I wish to see her corpse? Someone suggested to me that perhaps I need to see her to make sure she is really dead. It doesn't feel that way.

I have been thinking about the balance between desire and expectation. Is there a disparity between these things for most people?

Also I have been thinking that I am perhaps too serious, and perhaps too boring, and that my blog should have more jokes. I don't know any though. It is a very self indulgent pleasure this blogging business.