The Ejaculatory Theoretical Paradigm. Frankfurt School? Or more Cocktail Sausage?

It is apparently 34 degrees today. Last night BS and I talked for a long time about sexual dysfunction, or at least sexual fears. I am starting to feel like I don't know how to do it any more, and I'm not sure if I even want to either. We talked about relationship sex vs casual/one night stand sex. I realised that despite having had numerous sexual partners, I have only had one with whom I enjoyed sex. Often it seems mechanical and mundane. And kind of disgusting.

Only 19 days until I have to go to Hobart. It will be a weird Christmas, and I will have to the awkward thing of going to see my grandmother who is dying, and find a way of saying goodbye. I'll look at her dying body and think about abject waste, and how humans deal with it. Sometimes I find it difficult to have an immediate emotional response. Bataille talked about the corpse as human waste. Still, like all abject products, we have twinned fascination and fear of it. Sometimes I really believe that I'm not going to die, because I'm just so fucking determined not to. How can I? The world ceases to exist without me. Strange to think about reality.....AC got very annoyed with me because I took the Hei (heigh) degger road (ha ha ha), and said that nothing provably exists beyond perception. The hermeneutic circle thing. He said that there are things we can rely on as indicators of common reality. This conversation began with Christianity, and him saying that he thinks there is a fundamental stupidity at work when people allow themselves to believe in god. I talked about SMA, and about being in Ireland. Commonality vs perception perhaps. But the urge to believe in something doesn't seem odd to me at all. We all want to have some kind of transcendental experience I think, whether it be through drugs, religion, meditation....whatever. Bodies are always a problem....there is all that corporeal presence to deal with. God, how awful! This is not turning out the way I had hoped, for today anyway.

I think I have had a serious few days of experiencing intermittent sadness. I don't know why. But today was the first day of happy. Although I think I had shitty dreams last night.

The Absent Pearl Necklace and the Present Pearl of Wisdom

The world is so junkily and awkwardly full of acronyms. Sometimes they make me feel official and important, and then there are the times when you really need to say them in a very Real Estate agent/Recruitment agency way. What is with those people anyway? For god's sake, what the fuck possesses someone to become a slimy, effusive, dishonest, half-cocked cock head? I have hated these people for years. I remember getting fired from somewhere for drawing rude pictures in the training manual, and so I emailed the recruitment agency to tell them they were a bunch of greasy cunts. I really meant it too you know.

Anyway, the reason I have come back to this today, is to deliver a pearl of wisdom for me to collect and eat at a later date. I was talking to ** about relationships. It is comforting to know that someone who seems so bloody sorted out and fucking perfect in fact isn't. I was thinking about MP and me, and the fundamentals of our relationship. When everything wears off and you kind of hate each other a bit, I feel that there still needs to be a deep sense of awe for each other. Despite us no longer being together, sometimes I find drawings he did, or think of things he said, and I know that I still think he is the most amazing man I have ever met. Relationships can be so beautifully eccentric (I mean ec-centric), and subtley oblique to the main funtionings of life, and I suppose that is how they are sustainable. But I miss those incredible times when MP was the most important thing in my life, and I was speechless with love. No wonder I often feel hideously bereft and loveless these days.

So, I think what I am trying to say is that I feel like the most important things you can have in any relationship (even with your parents!) are:

a constant and pervasive awareness of the reasons those you choose to maintain the relationship.

respect that is based on really knowing the person.


knowing that if you no longer feel 'in love' with them, you still think they are the most wonderful person you have ever met. Is this unrealistic? And I think that having a passionate, tumultuous and difficult relationship is always more rewarding that a comfortable one. Hey, that's just me though...

When I was in about 3rd year uni, I became quite obsessed with the (Freudian) idea of condensation and displacement. Funny how you can find long lasting significance in seemingly simple things. Just words.

These are scary times....even Malcolm Fraser thinks the Howard government are fucked. He even considered leaving the Liberal party. As crass as it sounds, last night I dreamt about living in a police state. It was terrifying, and I woke up at 4.00am, sweating and angry. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and noticed that I looked ill. Perhaps I am ill, and perhaps the government makes me ill. Have we been poisoned???? Does everyone look ill at 4.00am?

I am going to a meeting later today, and thinking about it, I have realised that I really don't like meetings. They make me feel like a dog. I am officially docile and obedient in meetings. There are always those people who are smooth and brown and good at being. Good at being? Funny to think that some people could be better at being than others....

I find it strange that when I go to sleep I am absent. The coherent 'I' is missing and I (the INcoherent I) am a simple and snoring sleeping mass in a bed. It is incredible that we are so prepared to sleep in front of other people, that we are so trusting. Do most people see it as a simple biological function? I understand it to be anti-expression of the self...a withdrawal or truncation of self. And perhaps that is why depressed people sometimes sleep a lot. There were times when I couldn't stand being present inside my own brain. I have been reading about the hypothalamus - as the core of being. It seems like an easy and false notion. Funny, the drive to discover who and WHERE we are!

You know, I don't even know what other people talk about in their blogs.

performance anxiety

I was thinking about the rather tumultuous weekend I have just had. I am now recoiling from the horror of my personality, and wondering what sorts of god awful things I unleashed onto my unsuspecting work colleagues. Poor things....but I had some amazing and intense conversations (Kate F). I love it when you talk to someone and feel warmed by their vitality and determination. Those are the kinds of people who provide comfort and stability for others. I am always impressed by the expanse of other people's lives. As adults our lives are so enormous. When I was a child I thought that adult life would be ordered and complete, tempered by those filial and parental loving moments. But it is a gaping yawn of instability and chaos. I don't like to use the word chaos, it seems inappropriately dramatic. When I looked at my parents lives, they seemed so real, and so beautifully crafted and structured. When is it that you first become aware of the desire to fashion yourself as a Proper Person? Now I know my parents, and I see the seams, and the gasps of hurt and confusion, and I see myself. Sometimes there is an absence of real communication.

On Saturday night I did my ususal I Love You thing. When I am drunk and emotional everything takes on a monumental significance. Same for everyone I suspect. In an almost superstitious way, I had to tell Andrew a story about how much I love him before he went home. He's so used to it, and I just give him a look and he says 'I know you love me mate'. I feel so horrendously guilty when I try to remember the times I did that to MP. I think I just expected him to know that I loved him. And perhaps I saw us as siamese beings, in a way that felt like we were beyond love or relationships, as if we had just become aligned intensities.


Walking to the shop this morning I thought about emotional hooks, (like tenterhooks perhaps, TENTERHOOKS???? What is that?) and how I so easily become deeply connected and involved with other people's emotional lives. For me, writing this is difficult and strange, and it certainly isn't something I am comfortable with. I am wondering how far I will actually go with this. It is an interesting process of exposure....so.....I become connected, like protein. Today I have this gentle wolfy feeling. I am refashioning myself, I'm protean....which is kind of weird for an obsessive person who is always seeking whole things. But when I think about being partial, mutable, hypocritical, I realise that it is all I want to be. Perhaps the greatest achievement for me is the knowledge that I can allow myself these things.