The Ejaculatory Theoretical Paradigm. Frankfurt School? Or more Cocktail Sausage?

It is apparently 34 degrees today. Last night BS and I talked for a long time about sexual dysfunction, or at least sexual fears. I am starting to feel like I don't know how to do it any more, and I'm not sure if I even want to either. We talked about relationship sex vs casual/one night stand sex. I realised that despite having had numerous sexual partners, I have only had one with whom I enjoyed sex. Often it seems mechanical and mundane. And kind of disgusting.

Only 19 days until I have to go to Hobart. It will be a weird Christmas, and I will have to the awkward thing of going to see my grandmother who is dying, and find a way of saying goodbye. I'll look at her dying body and think about abject waste, and how humans deal with it. Sometimes I find it difficult to have an immediate emotional response. Bataille talked about the corpse as human waste. Still, like all abject products, we have twinned fascination and fear of it. Sometimes I really believe that I'm not going to die, because I'm just so fucking determined not to. How can I? The world ceases to exist without me. Strange to think about reality.....AC got very annoyed with me because I took the Hei (heigh) degger road (ha ha ha), and said that nothing provably exists beyond perception. The hermeneutic circle thing. He said that there are things we can rely on as indicators of common reality. This conversation began with Christianity, and him saying that he thinks there is a fundamental stupidity at work when people allow themselves to believe in god. I talked about SMA, and about being in Ireland. Commonality vs perception perhaps. But the urge to believe in something doesn't seem odd to me at all. We all want to have some kind of transcendental experience I think, whether it be through drugs, religion, meditation....whatever. Bodies are always a problem....there is all that corporeal presence to deal with. God, how awful! This is not turning out the way I had hoped, for today anyway.

I think I have had a serious few days of experiencing intermittent sadness. I don't know why. But today was the first day of happy. Although I think I had shitty dreams last night.