Shatter Proof

Perhaps I am lucky, and like KH, shatter proof. It has been a strange and almost gratuitously intense few days. Today I feel flat (or lumpy, I don't know) and pushed backwards. Is it because I have such an intense desire to be loved and appreciated? I was talking to someone about falling in love, and suddenly I hated the idea, and felt terribly angry with myself, and other humans for wanting it. Today needs to pass me - who is stuck in the rejection reverie, and wondering what happens next. What does happen next? I keep thinking of some KH lyrics "I know I don't want you....I feel broken and miles away". Fantastically dramatic for this stupid situation, yet these kinds of things always appeal to the theatrical/tragic part of the self. Speaking of the 'tragic', I read a page of an Eagleton book about violence and theatre (I think) where he talked about Nietzsche's ideas about interpretations of history. Nietzsche was against a "bloodless historicism" in which we understand history as objective fact. I like that Foucault's historical work has always been very "bloody". I like the idea of "historicism" rather than "history", and it being a practice rather than a fact.

It is a slightly stinging loss, but not a brutal one. And I don't think I will cry beyond what I did at my desk in front of ** who was very kind. It could never have been right, and I know I was pretending to a large extent. But then, I am always open to suggestion....

When I feel sad often I wish for the warm and loving arms of my father. I sometimes wonder if I idolise him the way he does his own father. And is it an idolatry that is enabled by fear and lack (sounding a bit femmo here I think)? Or by my polarisation of both parents and subsequent refusal to see my father as anything but perfect, and my mother as anything but deeply flawed? I want to be deeply flawed, and I am, and yet I look towards perfection knowing it to be a fiction, yet creating it in my head to support some ancient fantasy. Do we as children first learn about 'perfection' and how to create it within our minds? No matter how vehemently you think you reject an idea, if it has always existed around you, and you are unmistakably informed by it. I remember SD used to have those days where she said "nothing is solid" and she felt scared by the instability of everything (and I do really mean everything). I sometines have those days, and I want to tell people about how my reality has momentarily changed, but it is like an insurmountable task/conversation, because I know that I can't put into language the things I need to say. I think earnestness is something we can't adequately speak and interpret.

It is possible that at this point I have stopped making sense.

** and I made a list last night to try to work out who we wanted to win the World Cup. We decided that Italy wins with cars, pasta/pizza and inventions/science, but France wins in terms of philosophy/critical theory, sexiness and wine. One of Italy's major detractors was that they have the Pope, albeit it in his own little half a kilometre squared country. It became a funny discussion. The Pope isn't Italian, and doesn't really live in Italy, but is surrounded by Italy. I think when AM and I discuss these things, we can always create an oblique and absurdly sensible philosophy about anything.

We couldn't decide on who we thought should win, but it didn't matter, because Italy won anyway, and this morning I had that ridiculous sense of inevitability that you can only have after an event (and it is almost as if you feel like you should have known, that you should have had foresight).