"I know I don't want you.....I feel broken, I feel broken, and miles away"

Fervently, I cleaned the bathroom, whilst singing and getting wet. I scrubbed the tiles in the shower and felt a bit primitive. It was a good therapeutic comedown. When I woke up this morning I was compelled to rearrange things subtley in my room/life, which involved me opening a box containing old letters. I found some beautiful letters from MP, and despite telling AW and EJ that I don't seem to care any more, I fell onto my bed, clutching these letters to myself and cried for what seemed like a long time. It astounds me that I can go for so long without noticing that perhaps it is always just below the surface. Is it possible to ever stop loving someone? I felt that pain again, although in a watered down and brief manner, but still, it is there. I don't know how to assimilate this experience into who or what I consider myself to be now. It makes me sad that I can't answer my own questions. How can I go from knowing someone so well, and being familiar with every part of their body, to not knowing them at all. Just after we broke up he came over and talked to me while I was in the shower. It was weird, and I said "is this ok?" and he just laughed and said of course it was. Then we became physically shy with each other, not out of awkwardness, but out of inappropriateness, and it one of the saddest things ever.

My mother says to me that she has to think of my father leaving her as like a death. She is grieving....of course. And she talks to me about it and I feel like a war veteran, and I say things like "it will take a long time". I remember the things LA said to me, and how I thought I couldn't bear it any more, and how I couldn't wait that long to feel better. And now it seems dim and distant. There was that night when I had to stop driving and call ZP because I so desperately wanted to crash my car. What is my mother feeling? Sometimes I don't imagine her feeling anything other than anger and hate, but she must, because even though she is only just human at times, she is human all the same.

It is a sad day today and I don't think I want to say anything else now.