Ah Tony: My Octogenarian Love

When I swim I feel as if I put myself back together, after the day of taking myself apart. When I stop I feel that beautiful rush behind my eyes, and I relax into the water and wonder if I want to drown. I saw Tony, who I haven't seen for a long time. He used to ask me where ZP was because we used to always swim together. It is terribly difficult to understand what he is saying, but I persevere out of a sense of awkward enjoyment. Other humans can always provide some pleasure. Tonight he asked me if I would go to the casino with him. I said I am not into gambling, and he said that I didn't have to gamble. I don't know if I am into gambling or not, I've never really tried it in earnest. He asked me to go to his house for dinner (yet again) and I said perhaps one day I will. As he rubbed his eyes like a child, he told me about the chillis he had used today that had made his eyes sting, and he talked about the healing/therapeutic powers of chilli. I feel the same way about garlic......as some of you very well know! He's a funny man (remember AB, when you met him and couldn't understand what he was saying in Italian anyway?), and I worry that he will die in the steam room. Another man told me recently that he was taken away in an ambulance recently because he collapsed in there. Still, he complained to me today about how they won't let him lie down in there any more.

I didn't even drink very much on Friday night. I danced with CG while AM did OTHER THINGS. ZP was incredibly drunk and had to go home. I sat at a table on my own for a while and weatched people, and noticed how many people looked happy, and were dancing, laughing, kissing and touching each other. It was one of those funny moments of interprestation where I could have decided that it was sleazy and awful, but at that moment it looked beautiful, sensual and terribly human. I admired the fact that there were so many people in a room moving and laughing and feeling. We all look at each other, and smile, and desire each other. The greatest pleasure comes from the possibility rather than the result. I went to bed very happy, and pleased to be alone in my room. Funny, you know, recently 2 people have commented on my room. ** talked about it last night, and about partnerships and owning things together. I agree, and I am scared of being an adult and sharing my world with anyone. But one of my problems with that (and psychology) is that I don't think things are so easily reducible. You can never adequately control conditions/history/situation. I suppose (as always) for me it goes back to critical threory, and not science or empiricism. What do they mean to me? At times very little. It feels like a cheap contradiction sometimes, because my understandings of reality have to be based in mutuality and empirical interpretations. Perhaps I can't stand stability and answers? I know I seek to complicate things.

I occasionally have these self conscious moments when I become aware of what I am doing, and question my need to do it. Is it some crazy narcissistic drive? We never know when to call ourselves legitimate, and when experssion of the self is acceptable. I've wanted reality to be some kind of scary unhinged Baccanalia at times, because I have wanted to push everything to its limit. It is a contradiction, because sometimes excess and over experssion embarrass me and make me angry. Bugger, you know what? Most of the time I don't know what to think. I am having this big thought vomit because I spent an hour swimming and I always feel different afterwards. I wonder if I will delete this tomorrow?