I Gasp At The World, Inside and Out.

I have been thinking about making myself some armour. I imagine an ornate and beautiful breast plate, and perhaps a low slung sword. An articulated aegis. Last night AM and I talked about clothes and costumes. She brought back some 'beards' from Hobart that we can use for our drag show. We were both so inspired by the drag kings at the Star Hotel that time. I like that I don't need to be gay to do these things. Anyway, I realised that I want to wear some severely chaste outfit with an Elizabethan collar and a sword. I am a chaste girl after all. All the things I would like to wear are awkward and restricting of movement. I think this is something that appeals to me (on top of the historical element of course) : stiff Elizabethanness, Victorian bustles, chain, starched white linen, armour, things that are impossible to sit down in. I like to be solemn and trapped.

There was an anatomy book I wanted recently, that was based on the Visible Human Project, which I am deeply excited by. But the book wasn't especially beautiful, which makes me reluctant to buy it. Sometimes I dream about losing books, and it upsets me terribly. Last night I did, and suddenly I had a pile of shitty books that I was embarrassed by. These dreams sometimes involve MP stealing books from me, which is funny, because books were so important for us, together. This attachment to books makes me think of my attachments to physical objects, sounds, images and gestures. A while ago I wrote a list of things I find embarrassing. One of them was the sound of water being poured from a kettle into a cup. I can't say what the others were because I will feel embarrassed. It is as if I have an irrational attachment to arbitrary things in the world, and fail to diconnect myself from their significances. Particular words I hear, and I look askance at the mouth it came from, and wonder if it is now ugly to me. And that feeling of humiliation when the wrong thing happens......It is very differrent to dislike you know, in that when I dislike I don't care. But when I am embarrassed, I care too much.