Collect Your Personal Effects?
Eve Sedgwick suggests that no one can be entirely unaroused by scences of punishment.
It seems as if there is a huge demarcation between pre and post accident time. On Friday night ZP, AC and I had an accident in Richmond. In the split second before the two cars hit, I realised that I may be about to die, and it was strange because for some reason there was something slightly humourous about it. All three of us screamed and swore as we were about to crash, and afterwards none of us really said anything. I got out of the car and ran to the other car to see if the people in it were ok. It was very cinematic. When I got to the other car, which had spun around and had been thrown across the intersection, I looked in the driver's side window, and the woman driver stared at me but didn't respond. After a few moments she wound down her window and continued to stare at me. Within a few minutes an ambulance, the police and the fire people had arrived. Still the three of us stood on the side of the road and looked at everything happening and simply said oh fuck.
I have impressive bruises, and the other driver admitted fault. The insurance people called ZP and said that she could pick up her "personal effects" from the car. Somehow I found this sadly impersonal and quaint.
I have a list of questions I would love you to answer. Please do answer, and you don't have to leave your name, I'll just guess.....:
- how do you remain interested in and engaged with the world, and how do you prevent yourself from despairing at the idea of all the years ahead of you?
- how frequently do you think about death, your own or other people's?
- how do you KNOW things, and if you don't, or if you don't trust yourself to, how do you live with that?
- how do you balance perception and judgement?
- how often do you think yourself a less than worthy person, if ever? And how does this manifest itself in your emotions and behaviours?
- do you feel like you are really loved by someone? And when you really love someone, how do you separate it from your need to be loved?
- do you derive any kind of pleasure in being rejected and disappointed?
- how do you deal with yourself when you don't know whether you are doing the right thing or not?
- how do you cope with embarrassment, humiliation, shame? Where do you put yourself with these feelings?
- how do you compare yourself to others? Do you feel inadequate, ill-formed, immature, ugly, beautiful, sleazy, suggestive, powerful, redundant, hopeless, uncontrolled, boring, mean, stupid, humorous?
- do you feel as if you are noticed in the world?
- how often do you engage in behaviour you really dislike?
- what is your process of interpretation? What are the markers of interpretation and perception for you?
- how do you balance the feelings of utter conviction you have with the possibility of disagreeing with yourself later, or with other people disagreeing with you?
- how do you feel about your persuasive powers?
- what do you show people and why?
No doubt I will have more questions later.
Enquiring Time
Occasionally I wonder if there are people in existence who aren't in a state of partial self-loathing. The 'self' bears a great deal of responsibility, and perhaps the self can not be valid or safe unless there is an emergency exit. And it is all contained within one loose or taut bag..... the self perhaps needs a way out of itself. I think about becoming, and being something other than a self. I love those ridiculous Deleuze and Guatarri ideas about becoming, and bodies without organs. It used to make me feel sick with being. MS at work said to me not long ago that I seem to have a great deal of confidence but lack of self-esteem. I suppose it is true, although I never really recognise myself as confident, just brash. The confidence seems hollow, one eyed and childish, because it is about bravado and performance. Are there secret patterns and secret histories and secret ways of being? An arcane form of being. Do I have a secret way of being? As a teenager I had so many private and embarrassing ways of being, and now I wonder if being is as illusory as it is impractical. Remember those times when you found the idea of being alone in your body so horrifying? And the idea that no one would ever really know you made you want to stop existing? I wonder if it was about unity and coherence? It was a time of outrageous yet quite fortuitous epiphanies and constant arousal and frustration. God I was a bastard of a teenager.
posted by ida gasp @ 2:12 pm
11 Comments:
Hmm. Well, funny, that even though we just spoke - this kind of thing was on my mind today... Before I start: I recommend a book called "Prep" for it's insight into human fraud.
In fact Ida, I think I will attempt to answer all your questions in a word doc and then email them to you.
I know you'd guess, but it's Mr Horrible here, but can't be bothered logging in. Perfunctory answers...
* how do you remain interested in and engaged with the world, and how do you prevent yourself from despairing at the idea of all the years ahead of you?
No need to prevent despair at the thought of this; doesn't occur. Do I purposely remain interested & engaged? I don't know. Things interest me. Boring but true.
* how frequently do you think about death, your own or other people's?
Hmmm...not too often. Something I try to avoid. Thoughts of death are either met with a kind of calm resignation or absolute panic and a great need to distract myself.
* how do you KNOW things, and if you don't, or if you don't trust yourself to, how do you live with that?
KNOW? This may suprise you, but I'm backtracking & will not claim to know anything. For me, it's a balance of probabilities - given my own perceptions, and the words of other's alleged experience, I draw what to me are the likely conclusions. Can I live with this? Do I have a choice?
* how do you balance perception and judgement?
ummmm, not sure what this question actually means. i try to make judgment based on my own perception and not second hand.
* how often do you think yourself a less than worthy person, if ever?
Daily. Hourly on occasion.
And how does this manifest itself in your emotions and behaviours?
Emotions associated with this are directed toward myself ... guilt; anger, indifference...it varies. In terms of behaviours? No idea. Possibly none, possibly everything I do is affected by this. Apathy. Listlessness.
* do you feel like you are really loved by someone?
hmmmmmm. yes. i'm told so. balance of probabilities ... why else would it be said?
And when you really love someone, how do you separate it from your need to be loved?
Does one need to? Is that a bad thing?
* do you derive any kind of pleasure in being rejected and disappointed?
No.
* how do you deal with yourself when you don't know whether you are doing the right thing or not?
Not often conscious enough of my actions at any given time. When unsure ... paralysis & self-deprecation, procrastination & seeking advice are a small number of tools ...
* how do you cope with embarrassment, humiliation, shame?
Cope? anger, indignation.
Where do you put yourself with these feelings?
Initially, Not my bloody fault. Later ... as the great alanis says ... you live, you learn.
* how do you compare yourself to others?
inadequate [yes], ill-formed[yesno], immature [yes], ugly[sometimes], beautiful [never], sleazy[never], suggestive [no], powerful [no], redundant[yes], hopeless [yes], uncontrolled [sometimes], boring [usually], mean [sometimes], stupid [sometimes], humorous [seldom]
* do you feel as if you are noticed in the world?
not much. doesn't matter.
* how often do you engage in behaviour you really dislike?
less than i used to. not often. it's more lack of behaviour that bothers me.
* what is your process of interpretation? What are the markers of interpretation and perception for you?
back to balance of probabilities. for example, there's nothing like the mundane to believe in 'reality' for me. i'd like to think that a created reality would be a lot more interesting. you know my thoughts here.
* how do you balance the feelings of utter conviction you have with the possibility of disagreeing with yourself later, or with other people disagreeing with you?
very easily ... no shame in being wrong ... nor in changing one's mind ... i guess this results in a lack of conviction.
* how do you feel about your persuasive powers?
what persuasive powers?
* what do you show people and why?
first the why: status. it's so i get all the lovely ladies. i try to show knowledge, empathy, intellect (arrogant bastard), kindness, all the good things. the bad things i try to minimise. obviously. vulnerability, for some reason, is one of the bad things.
well, there you go. not as d&m as I would have liked, but a bit more than I'm comfortable with. and now I'm going to hit the publish button & regret it.
Oh mate, I love you. You win the best and fairest award. And the honesty award. Ooooh, I feel like I'm hosting some Oprah-esque forum. Fanfuckintastic eh? The anonymity is a pretty beautiful thing.
* how do you remain interested in and engaged with the world, and how do you prevent yourself from despairing at the idea of all the years ahead of you?
curiosity, and wanting to know stuff...i don't think i'm interested in everything. that's a lotta stuff. more than many times two, in fact. i'm pretty certain that i'm very selective in what i actually engage - more so as i get older...and also my attention span is
i actually don't despair at the years ahead... I despair at it all ending for me, whilst it keeps going for the youngins.
* how frequently do you think about death, your own or other people's?
probably once a week? my mum reads the obituaries every week, and often finds someone she knows.
thems sound like good times.
i'm terrified of reaching the age where people around me just...stop. it's like there was some fine print I didn't read, and now i'm stuck on this unreasonable contract. someone get me off this crazy plan!
* how do you KNOW things, and if you don't, or if you don't trust yourself to, how do you live with that?
oh fuck, who the fuck knows?
Exactly!
i think stuff, and feel stuff and somehow that's enough for me. if it's wrong/distorted/partial...well, what am I gonna do about it?
* how do you balance perception and judgement?
industrial kitchen scales. stainless steel. shiny.
i judge stuff, sometimes feel i've made some sort of error, work myself up over it/feel guilty/question my decision, and often change my perception. i try to think of stuff from other points of view, but often my emotions get in the way and make that hard.
* how often do you think yourself a less than worthy person, if ever?
weekly? when i stop distracting myself with STUFF and think about the life things.
* do you feel like you are really loved by someone?
yes!
And when you really love someone, how do you separate it from your need to be loved?
i've never really linked them. fuck it's nice to get love from your family, partner and friends, though. Is it the ultimate sense of belonging? That these people care for and accept you?
Is this that feeling you hu-mans call LOVE?
* do you derive any kind of pleasure in being rejected and disappointed?
No!
* how do you deal with yourself when you don't know whether you are doing the right thing or not?
this happens a bit...perhaps not at the time, but soon after when I ANALyse it. I talk to those close to me...I run it through my head...but i don't listen to the voices anymore though. They're all big with the ‘kill, kill, kill'.
* how do you cope with embarrassment, humiliation, shame?
I ‘kill, kill, kill'. No, voices, they'll catch me. It's called DNA...haven't you seen those 5 million CSI shows?
Seriously, I tend to throw myself into some sort of project/work/thing and just get busy. Then the feelings breed, multiply, slip me a rohie and come after me.
* how do you compare yourself to others?
inadequate [sometimes], ill-formed[no], immature [often], ugly[nah], beautiful [sometimes], sleazy[no], suggestive [only in humour], powerful [no], redundant[sometimes], hopeless [sometimes], uncontrolled [sometimes], boring [sometimes], mean [sometimes], stupid [sometimes], humorous [yeah - like to make my peeps smile]
* do you feel as if you are noticed in the world?
Not by strangers, but by my family and friends I feel I am.
* how often do you engage in behaviour you really dislike?
it happens...hard to quantify. I can get grumpy when hungry and tired, and I really dislike that.
* what is your process of interpretation? What are the markers of interpretation and perception for you?
I see and feel and touch and smell and taste stuff. Is this the full extent of it? Probably not! Do others experience more? Maybe, but how the fuck do I know? I catch myself wondering about this stuff a couple of times a month, when I think ‘how the fuck is all this possible? What the fuck is real?' But the net result is the same...does the answer effect me day-to-day? Not really.
* how do you balance the feelings of utter conviction you have with the possibility of disagreeing with yourself later, or with other people disagreeing with you?
Oh it's fine, it happens all the time, so I feel I'm used to it. Opinions are like arseholes – everyone has one.
* how do you feel about your persuasive powers?
Not sure I have them...well I guess we all do to an extent. They're probably at a middling level. They're not my special autistic power or anything.
* what do you show people and why?
What I aim to show and what I show can be very different. I aim to be neutral, empathetic, compassionate, thoughtful and sincere. But sometimes it comes out wrong. Why I show it? I'm not sure I have much say. Bluffs are easy on strangers, and it can be fun to roleplay, but I don't think they can work long term on people you spend a lot of time with. I'm also getting better at showing my more raw thoughts and feelings – something I wouldn't have dreamt of years ago.
Well I will attempt to answer your questions, all your questions, using only a single word (perhaps repeated)
how do you remain interested in and engaged with the world, and how do you prevent yourself from despairing at the idea of all the years ahead of you? Pregnancy
how frequently do you think about death, your own or other people's? Daily
how do you KNOW things, and if you don't, or if you don't trust yourself to, how do you live with that?organised religion
how do you balance perception and judgement?glasses
how often do you think yourself a less than worthy person, daily if ever? And how does this manifest itself in your emotions and behaviours? reclusiveness
do you feel like you are really loved by someone?yes And when you really love someone, how do you separate it from your need to be loved? sexuality
do you derive any kind of pleasure in being rejected and disappointed? absolutely!
how do you deal with yourself when you don't know whether you are doing the right thing or not?I don't know... ambiguous answer and breaking my rule I know
how do you cope with embarrassment, humiliation, shame?shitful behaviousWhere do you put yourself with these feelings?toilet
how do you compare yourself to others? Do you feel inadequateyes, ill-formed no, immatureno, uglyno, beautifulyes, sleazymaybe, suggestivenow you mention it, powerfulno, redundantno, hopelessno, uncontrolledno, boringsometimes, mean... sorry... ran out of time... perhaps I'll finish later... I am posting anonymously...
ok, I have to confess, this not knowing is driving me crazy. I neeeeeeed to know who left the second (bloody anonymous)answers to the questions.....
'twas not i little pig
it has to have been you, you are the only little preggy sheep around! Or are you referring to Genital? Ooooh, Genital molasses, what an exciting, wildly-scented substance that would be....I know the little rabbit isn't a commodity.
• how do you remain interested in and engaged with the world, and how do you prevent yourself from despairing at the idea of all the years ahead of you?
I do, probably just chemical but it just takes a sunny day. I don’t but the idea of death is quite comforting. You don’t have to let yourself get to eighty six with all you teeth rotting in your head if you don’t want to. Conversely the very fact that good and brave people do suggests that your expectations probably diminish as your body does. In other words don’t worry about being old because your self awareness and perceptions of self will be altered by then. This is not bad. This is good. If you mean all those years to be lived crushing down on top of your head… well I would prefer that they were than that they weren’t.
• how frequently do you think about death, your own or other people's?
all the time, especially my own. Don’t you? Actually… just lately I have become more concerned about death. I feel the importance of staying alive more acutely. Amazing what a few chemical changes will do. Depressing really.
• how do you KNOW things, and if you don't, or if you don't trust yourself to, how do you live with that?
I don’t KNOW things. I never felt that I did. I always wondered if there was some failure in myself that I don’t mind not knowing. I really don’t mind. I never saw it as a problem and I still don’t. I have never been completely convinced of the existence of anything or anyone. (including me) but I have never found this particularly disturbing. Perhaps I am hollow.
• how do you balance perception and judgement?
I take it as I see it. I know it is wrong, but there you go.
• how often do you think yourself a less than worthy person, if ever? And how does this manifest itself in your emotions and behaviours?
Reasonably often. It makes me vicious and spiteful
• do you feel like you are really loved by someone? And when you really love someone, how do you separate it from your need to be loved?
You are not going to like this but I think love and need are very often the same thing.
• do you derive any kind of pleasure in being rejected and disappointed?
Yes! Yes! Yes! I hope you hate my answers and never seek to know who I am. And if you do guess I will deliciously disappointed. See, you can’t win.
• how do you deal with yourself when you don't know whether you are doing the right thing or not?
It really depends what you mean by right. I usually don’t have moral dilemmas about what is right. I usually know what (for me) the right thing is and the dilemma is in whether or not to do it. I had more to say here but the washing machine started making mooing noises and now I can’t remember what it was…
• how do you cope with embarrassment, humiliation, shame? Where do you put yourself with these feelings?
I invent my own world where I have more power and I destroy my tormentors there… dashing there bleeding bodies against the great battlements of my fortress. Really? I just get incredibly pissed off and self-righteous and blame everybody else.
• how do you compare yourself to others? Do you feel inadequate, ill-formed, immature, ugly, beautiful, sleazy, suggestive, powerful, redundant, hopeless, uncontrolled, boring, mean, stupid, humorous?
Inadequate, I don’t feel ugly or illformed. But I know I walk strangely, sleazy, suggestive, redundant, hopeless, uncontrolled, boring, mean, stupid, humorous.
• do you feel as if you are noticed in the world?
Sometimes, sometimes this is good and sometimes this is bad. Usually I don’t feel noticed and I don’t mind.
• how often do you engage in behaviour you really dislike?
All the fucking time.
• what is your process of interpretation? What are the markers of interpretation and perception for you?
eh? Didn’t I mention earlier that I am stupid, hopeless and redundant. How do you expect me to answer this?
• how do you balance the feelings of utter conviction you have with the possibility of disagreeing with yourself later, or with other people disagreeing with you?
Yes, now you get to the real problem. Earlier I said I know what is right. I have no problem with other people disagreeing with my perceptions of wrong and right, I am not sure anything is intrinsically right anyway. But I hate the idea of future me disagreeing with me. But it is inevitable. You are not that same person you were last year. There is no part of you now that was a part of you at birth. Your whole body is made up of tiny pieces and all have been replaced many times. Continuity of self is a great illusion.
• what do you show people and why?
Mostly my arse and my tits. I think you know why.
Oh my, the responses are so tantalising! What a cryptic little group you are, and when I think I know who has said something, then I think perhaps I am wrong....Perhaps Simon Le Bon has answered the questions? Is he pregnant?
• how do you remain interested in and engaged with the world, and how do you prevent yourself from despairing at the idea of all the years ahead of you?
I like the world
• how frequently do you think about death, your own or other people's?
What is death but an entrance to the afterlife?
• how do you KNOW things, and if you
don't, or if you don't trust yourself to, how do you live with that?
I have faith.
• how do you balance perception and judgement?
I do not understand. I judge things with my cultural filters, societal filters, and my mood at the time.
• how often do you think yourself a less than worthy person, if ever? And how does this manifest itself in your emotions and behaviours?
We are all worthy
• do you feel like you are really loved by someone? And when you really love someone, how do you separate it from your need to be loved?
Often but not always.
• do you derive any kind of pleasure in being rejected and disappointed?
No.
• how do you deal with yourself when you don't know whether you are doing the right thing or not?
I question my actions constantly. The danger with this analysis is that I hold others to account
• how do you cope with embarrassment, humiliation, shame? Where do you put yourself with these feelings?
Hibernation, I always emerge eventually
• how do you compare yourself to others? Do you feel inadequate, ill-formed, immature, ugly, beautiful, sleazy, suggestive, powerful, redundant, hopeless, sleazy, suggestive, redundant, hopeless, uncontrolled, boring, mean, stupid, humorous.
Like most, I have felt all these things in my life at some time
• do you feel as if you are noticed in the world?
yes, by those close and also by the Lord
• how often do you engage in behaviour you really dislike?
every day
• what is your process of interpretation? What are the markers of interpretation and perception for you?
My world is shaped by my bthe Lord. No explanation is necessary, for that is the nature of faith
• how do you balance the feelings of utter conviction you have with the possibility of disagreeing with yourself later, or with other people disagreeing with you?
People are different, even I change. It is the nature of things.
• what do you show people and why?
I am quite private. I show little to most, some to some, and all to none but the Lord our God
Post a Comment
<< Home